on performative men
how the female gaze broke the boys
is the performative male the natural endpoint of a cultural evolution? goodness gracious i surely hope not.
according to the internet definition, he’s carrying a tote bag full of personal hygiene products, reading the creative act by rick rubin. he wears noise-canceling headphones—but with wires, because apparently wired is back. oh wait, i think i saw one this morning. he was in line for a matcha.
dare i say tiktok is true: they are everywhere now.
men have learned the rules of visibility. in the age of the female gaze, boys have been quietly taking inspirations from the “underground mainstream” culture, primarily from how girls curate, narrate, filter, and edit themselves into digestible, loveable formats. somewhere between watching and wanting, they figure out a new formula, a formula that doesn’t require a whole subversion from masculinity, but a version 2.0—with added emotional nuance, selfcare, maybe a dash of tasteful substrates from your friendly but opinionated hot gay neighbor.
we’ve finally gone from brad pitt to jacob elordi.
(disclaimer: both of whom i have genuinely desired and forever will)
i have lots of guy friends who naturally share these interests—matcha runs, long bookstore wanders, playlist swaps—it’s not that i want less of this type in the world. i just don’t want him in a box. the moment a man jumps into a box and stays there too long, you stop thinking “aww, he’s cat-like” and start wondering when he’ll come out.
i would never tell someone that reading books in public, wearing artsy tote bags, or enjoying a matcha latte are inherently disingenuous. they’re not. but we know when someone’s not doing it for themselves—there’s a difference between having taste and curating a vibe. i actually respect the guys who commit to the bit fully—maintain their socially liberal, economically conservative, post-softboy aesthetic until they burn out. lying, after all, takes real stamina.
lately i’ve been connecting everything back to primitive impulses. the male psychology of wanting to belong and wanting to be wanted—those are the two gears that keep them honest. if joining a frat was an early attempt at belonging, then becoming “approachable” by women is a response to the latter—a reactive gesture to the new female gaze.
as we make fun of finance bros and men move up maslow’s hierarchy—once wealth and status hit “good enough to not get instantly rejected”—vibe curation becomes the next frontier. and where men once walked through the world confidently comparing themselves to other men, now they’re operating in a new ecosystem: one where women are the cultural tastemakers, and performance is a form of mating call.
it used to be enough to become the kind of man she liked. now the goal is to broaden your appeal—to all women. to be not just wanted by one, but wantable in general. and so these new dimensions get layered on, not because they’re real, but because they help with survival. it’s not a desire—it’s design. that’s why designers are so in and engineers are out.
social media, in the meantime, functions like a taste-making war room: constantly generating mass campaigns that elevate new aesthetics while quietly invalidating the old ones. it doesn’t just tell you what’s in; it curates the feeling that something else is suddenly, obviously out.
social media is perpetuating this as we are given instructions on how to wake up and dunk your face in ice water everyday, on how to become attractive, on how to be wanted. girls have been made fun of for ages for being the target consumer for said type of content—and fair enough, some of us do love being put in boxes (which is its own sadness), and now is the men’s turn.
this is happening at a quasi-mass-coordinated scale. what is funny is this whole “movement” of differentiation—of wanting to be unique—has just created another homogenous club with a vaguely e-fem-eral aesthetic.
when they elected themselves into the social club of a curated look, i wonder if they knew they are just becoming a different flavor of sameness. it still surprises me why this isn’t yet common sense: uniqueness is always your greatest weapon.
imagine a piece of content titled “here is why you don’t have a girlfriend.” instead of telling you this is happening because you are broke, insecure, or don’t workout, it tells you it’s because you are not acting like your crush’s gay best friend.
yeah, help yourself with that.
luckily consumer cycles come and go quickly, so i’ll be sitting back, waiting for the next wave of performative man aesthetics to take over my feed—and, god forbid, my life.
……
oh before i wrap up, overheard this week, from a guy who is allegedly a dating coach: “Instead of teaching my clients how to win over women, i teach them to shift their mindset—it’s women who should be learning how to win over us.”
… i genuinely believe this is not a performative man. he is a believer who has evolved beyond performance.
godspeed to us all. see you next season.
Love this!